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Cheap Seats 2020

Red vs. Blue - 05/27


  

By Rich Trzupek
  We’re all doing our best to economize these days, so I’ll do my best to lend a hand by providing tomorrow’s news… TODAY! No charge.
  1). For the next couple of months, we’ll hear a lot of this:
  Red State Governors and supporters: No worries Red State citizens. We’ve flattened the curve and are ready to get back to business, recognizing that there is a point at which getting back to business is less harmful to our esteemed citizens than the indirect, but damaging, price we pay in our Red State when we decide to shut down great swathes of our economy.
  Blue State Governors and supporters: No worries Blue State citizens. We’ve flattened the curve and will continue to make sure it stays as flat as possible. Fear not a flare up in our Blue State, so long as you remain in hiding come what may. There is naught but danger outside Will Robinson. Shelter in place! Shelter in place!
  2). Whatever incidences of CORVID-19 diagnoses and attributed fatalities over the next two years are attached to a given state, this will be the post-game wrap-ups:
  Red State Governors and supporters: Rejoice Red State citizens! While we must remember and mourn those loved ones we have lost, we should congratulate ourselves in our ever-expanding ability to make sober risk/benefit decisions in this modern age. We got back to business in good order and the economy is booming again. Imagine what would have happened had we followed the cringing advice of Blue State Governors and their supporters, hiding terrified in our homes until every last job left the state for greener and braver pastures.
  Blue State Governors and supporters: Thank Gaia you did not listen to Red State Governors and their supporters – so we say to you my fellow progressive citizens of our glorious Blue States! Had you done so, the death toll and economic impact would have been beyond tragic. Fortunately, by ignoring the fantastical proclamations of your moronic Red State Governor and his/her/its supporters we have clearly demonstrated that progressive leadership is the only way to meet the complex challenges of the 21st century.
  3) The inevitable rebuttals:
  Red State Governors and supporters: We’d call you Blue State types wussies, but that probably offends some obscure demographic of which we are not yet aware and the PR pros advise against it. But, how dare you suggest we put lives at risk. Nobody cares more about lives than Red State Governors and supporters! It is you – YOU – who have put lives at risk, for while endlessly sheltering in place may be a viable strategy for you and your rich donors, it’s not for the rest of us. Poverty kills!
  Blue State Governors and supporters: Oh that is so pathetically typical of you Red State Governors and supporters: trying to compare how much you care to how much we care when everyone knows you don’t care. Well, maybe you care for old white men, but that’s it. We’re the people who care. We INVENTED caring. If you and your fat, stupid president cared half as much as we care, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
  4) And so on:
  Red State Governors and supporters: Wait, what now? How did Trump get involved in this discussion?
  Blue State Governors and supporters: Because it’s all his fault of course. If he did the good things he should have done and not done the bad things he actually did things would be much better. And here are a bunch of experts we found on-line who totally agree with us and have no hidden agendas of any sort.
  5) And so on:
  Red State Governors and supporters: Let’s get back on point. We were just talking about state policies and balancing the risk of –
  Blue State Governors and supporters: TRUMP SUCKS!
  6) And so on:
  Red State Governors and supporters: Look, every single thing that happens in America is not –
  Blue State Governors and supporters: TRUMP SUCKS!
  7) And on and on and on until November:
  Red State Governors and supporters: You know what? YOU SUCK!
  Blue State Governors and supporters: TRUMP SUCKS!
  Rinse and repeat.
  Email: richtrzupek@gmail.com




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