Cheap Seats 2016
Hat's in da Ring!
By Rich Trzupek
Last week Republican candidate for retention to the United States Senate and overall self-serving coward Mark Kirk piously announced that he was: a) unwilling to endorse presumptive Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump, and b) urging voters to write-in retired US Army General David Petraeus in lieu of casting a vote for either Trump or his presumptive opponent, Hillary Clinton.
The act of urging one’s supporters to vote for a minority-party candidate, or a candidate whom – like Pertreaus – isn’t actually running for public office is ordinarily a private and problematic affair. But, with Kirk things are a little different. I got no problem with Republicans distancing themselves from Trump because they disagree with him, but everything that Kirk does or says – in my view – has little to do with principle and everything to do about keeping Mark Kirk in office. He is the epitome of the RINO, constantly and pathetically trying to find his way to a mushy middle where he will accomplish nothing except clinging to office. It’s time for Kirk, and Kirk’s many handlers, to find something productive to do for a living.
By urging you to not vote for Kirk, I recognize that I am, in effect, furthering the fortunes of his Democrat opponent, Tammy Duckworth. I don’t approve of most of Ms. Duckworth’s policy positions, but I think it’s better to elect a fool than a fraud.
Never having served my country, I cannot speak to how Ms. Duckworth presents herself as a veteran. My eldest brother Gene however, who was awarded the Bronze Star for valor while serving in Viet Nam, does get a say, and – being the bluntest person in my family (I know, I know…) – he doesn’t pull any punches when he talks about Duckworth:
“Real military heroes DON’T beat their own drum.
I know the choice is between two lefty jerks, but I detest the way that Duckass preens her own military wounds, especially since I’ve seen too many real heroes who were too reserved & humble at their military award ceremonies. Duckass is an arrogant, self-centered Socialist lemming.”
So what are we to do Examinerland? Do we vote for the narcissistic fraud or the preening fool? Personally, I can’t stomach either, so I’m going to make the ultimate sacrifice: I hereby offer myself as a write-in candidate for United States Senator from Illinois.
I do so in the certain knowledge that: 1) I have no chance of getting elected, 2) don’t want to be elected, 3) would make a lousy Senator, and 4) writing in my name will only help Duckworth. To quote Otter from Animal House:
“We got to take these bastards. We could fight them with conventional weapons. That could take years, cost millions of lives. In this case I think we have to go all out. I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.”
And I’m just the guy to do it.
Candidates are supposed to have a platform, so here’s mine:
- I will waste no time and spend no money campaigning. (I have an actual job to do, a wife to keep happy and dogs to walk).
- I will accept no contributions.
- I will speak to no lobbyists.
- I will employ no staff.
- I will make no robocalls and I will print and send no literature.
I think that pretty much covers everything I need to cover. Hopefully, other candidates for public office will follow my streamlined, innovative approach to campaigning. It would make things SO much easier.
I must thank Senator Kirk for one thing: had he not come up with the idea of voting for Hillary by writing in Patreaus, I don’t think I would have ever figured out a way to vote against Kirk without actually voting for Duckworth. Thanks Mark!
So do your part Examinerland. Together, we CAN make a difference. Throw away your vote in 2016 and, with a little luck, we’ll be able to find an actual Republican to run against soon-to-be Senator Duckworth in 2022.